We try to be individual free spirits in a world where our existence wasn’t even determined by us.
Forget what people think what the fuck is the point. One life live it how you want to live it.
Time to stop fucking following rules; don’t be religious if you don’t want to; say what you feel and do what you want. Talk to whoever you want and be who you want.
Nobody else should influence your internal ocean; the salt is too strong for other people.
So yeah cause I’ve tried the serious approach but I’m not really a serious person, I think a more light hearted way of taking the frightening plunge of coming out to indian parents seems more apt. They like Italy, maybe I could bake a pizza, topped with olives forming the potential demise of my existence – the words: ‘I’m gay’. Haha that would be funny.
So all my friends know I’m gay; I’m completely fine with my sexuality, it’s something I enjoy about myself and something I’d like people to know. But wow, when you’ve accepted and come to terms with the fact you’re something ‘different’ in societies norms, you really realise how conventional the world is. All the time it’s ‘oohh you can find a GIRL at uni’..’when you get married your WIFE won’t like the fact you’re gonna live in a caravan’..’when you’re married you and your WIFE will be off on those holidays that you complained about to us’. I feel like I am stabbing my inner world every time I have to keep quiet about my sexuality in family situations. I’m the only one who hears my identity silently shatter over the humorous family laughter. I feel like I am turning my back on my most loyal companion; myself.
And whenever my parents make a gay joke, they’re just pulling the trigger of the gun that caused the existing wounds etched onto their heads. Metaphorically obviously, just to be clear. They experienced racism at school when they were kids. It’s the same thing in a sense.
Life is way to short to be worrying about what people think, I’ve always done my own thing, created my own path and walked it. Once I’ve done this I can honestly say I am truly being myself and I can’t wait.
Now I just need to add dough, tomato puree, olives and mozzarella to the shopping list.
I want to run with the wind, taste the infinite drops of freedom absorb my body as I drown myself in the beautiful waterfall of colours I gaze at when I look into your eyes. In this moment, I’m alive; I see him as we ripple through the atmosphere, our bodies fusing together. You look so seductively dangerous with that splif intermingling with your mouth. My teeth penetrate your smoky lips as I gently bite them; infusing my deadly poison inside you once again. Before sucking your lip, I deeply inhale those hazy fumes, I feel the thick fog spread through me like a wild forest fire. I never said how I loved the way you pressed your body against mine and moaned when I injected my lips into yours.
The continuous tide swept in and out, forcing itself onto the flat grey sand where we moved. I see you swinging, the fire in your eyes as we dangerously swerve as one. Our red eyes projecting the rosy lens that we see our world with. I see my darlin’ boy move, I see my devil tempt me, I see my god reject me. There’s no going back. You say you want me, I say I want you more. Hand in hand we escape once again, I’ve never been this high. Deeper into my body, it engulfs me, intoxicating me with its murky depths, stumbling on the beach we continue our never ending journey; we have no beginning, no end; born out of freedom, we’ll chase it until we die. We’ll run with it, until we die.
In the distance, the wind whips her dress furiously. Her dark hair pouring into her face as she stares at us. My hand running through his leather jacket as I tug at it. She holds up her phone, the air captures the blinding flash for a second, until it disappears. Just like she did a moment later. Our eyes stayed fixated on that spot. Our bodies merged together, lit by the burning splif.
Memories live on, like a camera they capture us in a moment. We remember that moment, maybe in a few years, a few months or in another lifetime. But like the girl, we never remember why we decide to capture our lives, or why those moments. A million miles away, the anolog clock that hung in Kye’s room had just gone past 2am. The black and white image of the two young men was indented into his memory. ‘The past has a way of catching up with you’, the words on the text message read.
Everything in life is an experience, and that’s something I love.
The other day my friend made comments about what I was wearing, and for me to wear something that was different from my usual clothing was actually slightly daunting for me. This strong and at the time negative reaction I got did make me feel upset..I think? Yeah I’m not good with emotions so don’t know what it actually was.
But even though its just a small thing, I was able to overcome it. I contemplated not wearing that clothing again, but then hey if I want to then I will right? I’m not gonna let somebody else’s random comments that don’t mean anything stop me from doing anything.
Now two days later I’ve realised that it really doesn’t matter. Every negative aspect of life, be it big or small, is an experience that makes us stronger and wiser people. So lets go out there, be ourselves and trample and show life who’s the boss around here!
Hmmm, sometimes I look at people and think ‘why are you doing that?’ or ‘what are you trying to prove?’.
Sometimes to me people seem like they’re trying to fit in a certain group, that they are defining themselves in a way to purposely come across as something they might not actually be. Now I don’t have a problem with this, I believe you should experiment with any type of personality and be fluid in your self, and its not for anyone to judge.
But when people ‘try’ to be different, when they ‘try’ to break out of conventions and say ‘fuck this system’, they’re just falling into another group of people that they’re trying to be like.
Have your own rules, do your own thing. Who cares about ‘trying’ to be something. I’m really weird, I’m extremely independent, I do my own thing, but the way I act can be so badly influenced by other people, I feel like a chameleon that is constantly changing colours and adapting to every single person and I just don’t know who I actually am. The sudden changes drain me until I just don’t know how I’m supposed to be acting. It really confuses me. I act like I know what’s going on, like I’m fully in control, like nobody can influence me, but the truth is inside I’m like a lost child who just doesn’t know how to be.
On a lighter note, I guess this is a good thing because I can easily adapt to people and situations! But yeah, I’ve been focusing on the good a lot, maybe its time to look inside and sort out the bad to make that into good!
So say if a friend wanted to be you, they had their experience of being friend with somebody they idolised, someone they thought was great, somebody they envied and wanted to be like. They went through the hardships of being with someone like that day in and day out.
So that person made the friend feel worthless at times, not good enough and bad.
Does that mean that at some other point, the person is going to feel that way towards the friend? Will they want to be like the friend so badly that it hurts? That it makes there own identity feel worthless?
Karma is weird, if that is even karma.
Talking about karma is making me really hungry for chicken korma. Yum.
I limit myself a lot, I don’t know why.
If someone has an opinion of me, I feel limited, I feel like I can’t change that opinion and have to adhere to it. Or when someone is cleverer than me, I feel like I can’t say certain things that might make me seem stupid. Why the hell am I limiting myself in this way? It’s really not good because I want to be whatever I like and I don’t care about how I seem, but my subconscious mind doesn’t think so.
If I sound stupid, then who cares.
If someone has an opinion of me, doesn’t mean its the right opinion.
I’m not gonna let anyone limit my mind, personality or self in any way. I’ll be who I want and say what I want. Cause being myself is the best thing I can be.
You know sometimes I really sit and wonder how the fuck do I have the friends that I have. Actually, I sit and wonder how the fuck do I even have friends. How do I have friends that appreciate me so much?
Just now one of my best friends is just saying the nicest appreciative things to me. Saying how much of a best friend I am, how I have changed his life for the best. I’m so grateful to have such amazing people in my life, and I really do wonder why the fuck do I have these people? Why have I always had people? With the way I can be sometimes I don’t really think I deserve them. But hey I’m not gonna sit around feeling sorry for myself for having amazing friends, I should enjoy every moment because you never know when something could be snatched away from you.
People realise what they’ve got in two ways.
1) When you’re reminded of what you have.
2) When you have becomes what you had.
Don’t let it be the second one. Cause that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. Be appreciative and grateful. And if I don’t feel like I’m being a good friend, well then maybe I should start doing some good friend type things and change that feeling. Cause life is fluid, anything can change.
So I just spent 20 minutes of my life listening to old music on Youtube that brings back memories of a past relationship/time period. So what? Do I now get labelled as someone who’s stuck in the past? Is everyone going to assume that I’m not over this relationship? That I take ages to move on? Yes I know not everyone thinks like that consciously but ha, what if we looked at people subconsciously.
I say I’m me, I say I’m living to my own accord, but am I really? A lot of what we do, or don’t do, is because of other people. That’s what I think anyway.
What’s the point? Why supress your true being in the moment because of an artificial innate fear of being labelled and judged by the people around us. I Don’t know about anyone else but I do this all the time.
I don’t even know who I am, and I don’t need to know either. Why does everyone have to plaster gigantic labels on everything? I guess in the right context its okay, but not when you use permanent soul stitching glue that leaves contaminated judgement on the poor guy.
I guess you just have to be you and not care one bit about anyone else and what they think. That’s what I’ll try and do. Well actually I won’t, I don’t like ‘trying’ to do stuff it interrupts the flow of life.
Pointless post ey. Oh Well.